“I’ll leave, but only with him.”
[No. 93]
HOW CAN WE COLLECTIVELY HEAL THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED WHILE FORGIVING THE ABUSER?
A guest piece by poet and musician Dante Mitchell
Dante Mitchell
Recently, I read some poetry at Grand Performances in DTLA. Out of nowhere, a man began to disrupt the show. I started feeling anxious because my writing teacher and dear friend, Mike, had spent months putting everything together, and I didn’t want anything to mess it up. The venue’s security violently attempted to remove the man, which of course only escalated the situation.
Having worked with the unhoused population of Los Angeles for five years, and with 13 years in security, I knew a different approach was needed.
I intervened, walked up to the man, and kindly asked if he needed any food or drink.
His attitude immediately changed. After a few minutes of genuine conversation, asking how I could help him, I was able to escort him out of the venue without any physical contact. His exact words were, “I’ll leave, but only with him.”
By approaching the situation with empathy, I was able to de-escalate the conflict and preserve the integrity of the event.
This interaction illustrates how love, in its purest sense, can be a powerful force in addressing harm and combating abuse. In contrast to approaching the situation with violence, I know love gets the best results, and it showed in this interaction.
That being said, healing and forgiving an abuser are intense, personal experiences.
At times, abusers can justify or deny their actions, leaving us feeling hopeless and blaming ourselves. They may also create a climate of fear that makes it hard to break free. Emotional scars can make us mistrust others, and they can even make us sick.
To me, the key is processing our emotions in order to move away from pain and anger, towards understanding. Seeking compassion around an abuse does not excuse harm done, but it can alchemize pain into forgiveness. When we balance conflicting feelings successfully, we achieve harmony. I personally strive for this by spending time with myself and my thoughts [through sitting with nature, practicing positive affirmations, staying active] as well as learning new things, stretching, reading, traveling, spending time with family and friends, and doing what I truly love so that the vibrations travel through my circles.
Healing from abuse is something we can tackle together, as one big family. It’s a journey that takes time, forgiveness, and most crucially, each other. When we heal ourselves, we build a more gentle and liberated world. Word by word. Step by step. Song by song.
