No. 36

I’ve got a blank space, baby, and I’ll write your name.

[No. 36]

DO YOU THINK EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE FORGIVEN?

Of course I do.

When I was getting a divorce, I spent countless hours on my friend Anne’s white couch in the mountains above Santa Barbara. She is a great friend and, luckily for me, a life coach. One day [after hearing my breakup tale for the umpteenth time], she told me of an ancient practice she learned while living on Kauai. Ho‘oponopono, created thousands of years ago & taken from oral history into modern custom by local sage Aunty Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona, is a pious, unparalleled practice of reconciliation. It springs from the belief that every conversation can be distilled into four lyrics.

Iʻm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.

Image by Roman Odinstov

For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?
bell hooks

As we have previously discussed with our cannibal friend, I love a second chance. I give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes to a fault. I’ve talked myself into too much forgiveness at times. I’ve taken back adulterous lovers, though reason could not follow. The heart at times is the last to get on board. And yet, it must be regarded with the utmost respect. There is a see-saw in the school of Ho‘oponopono which cuts to the quick. It is the possibility of both owning our part in each interaction as well as unlatching ourselves from old stories to which we might have felt beholden. 

In the hinges that hold these four phrases together, I see that extending forgiveness is not only about the other person, it is also about myself. No one ever created the life they wanted by hating on their ex indefinitely.Years later, I joined a Zoom session with my ex-husband and a mediator, Kevin Walton. I was guarded at first. As the work went on, I realized that at the core my ex and I were both most angry, not with each other, but with ourselves. We had sold ourselves short for young love. As soon as I discovered this, I began to breathe more deeply. I was able to open to the possibility of building something new. We have since created a whole new relationship and world for our child. He is now my cherished co-parent and dear friend. We must be adults who can work through conflict.

Forgiving is not forgetting. It is the opposite. It liberates on an ongoing basis. The more I repeat this cycle of digesting and embodying, the more I have seen my life evolve. To get present, we must spend time with the stories we want to change. We must clear space, open blank pages, and begin. With ever-evolving free will and grown-up decision-making, we will create the building blocks for our desired collective future.

Iʻm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.

I believe in us. Come along for the ride.

WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO FORGIVENESS?