Be your own best friend.
[No. 43]
WHY ARE SO MANY OF US LONELY, EVEN WHEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS AND/OR FAMILY? IS THIS AN INNATE FEELING, A LEARNED ONE FROM OUR UPBRINGING OR AN INABILITY TO CONNECT INTIMATELY WITH OTHERS?
Years ago, I was working at Coachella with a fiancé. Let’s call him Carl. Our relationship had well run its course. I had agreed to another chance that felt out of line with all I knew to be true. Surrounded by thousands of new friends and favorite artists, I felt a deep and painful loneliness. You see, I had turned my back on myself and that is the loneliest place to be. It can be paralyzing. It can also be illuminating. [I was single again within one week.]
The Scream by Edvard Munch, 1893 in the National Gallery, Oslo, Norway
When we betray ourselves to please [or appease] others, we can feel lost. We can thus be swept away by a sea of sadness. These out of sync moments can feel grossly uncomfortable. They are also golden opportunities for self-discovery. Alien, the most alone I have ever felt has been in company: in a crowd, or in bed next to a lover who had run their course, or on the other side of a phone call when I held back from expressing myself. Loneliness has little to do with the world and a great deal to do with how connected I feel to my soul.
We were taught early on to prioritize fitting into our environs, and to do so, we twisted and turned our very being to step into someone else’s box to create a sense of belonging. In the process, we rejected the one [SELF] who will always be there, and that can be lonely.
Our loneliness stems less from an inability to relate intimately with others and more from our being out of practice with connecting tête-à-tête with self. Wherever you go, there you are. Thus, get curious when these surges occur and consider whether you are feeling disconnected from what is happening around you or what is unfolding within you. Separation from self is the thing that creates that Munch-ian feeling of isolation. Get cozy with the quiet.
The more specific you are about a very general feeling of loneliness is actually how you connect with people.
Phoebe Bridgers
Loneliness may be part of it, [AND] I promise the world will continue to shift once you make best friends with that beauty that lives at your permanent address. Practice being more comfortable in those in-between spaces. Plan a perfect solo date. Listen to your favorite record. Be brave enough to be big. Act on behalf of your beliefs. Discover a hobby or book or tree that keeps you in conversation with the part of you that yearns and dreams. Walk with the you that desires more connection, inspiration, resonance. From that open, vulnerable place, regardless of who you are with or where you are [be it a music festival or an office gathering], you will move more confidently. Alien, I invite you to use loneliness as fuel. Explore. When we learn how to make being alone an adventure and we follow our north star, we will forever voyage with the most harmonious company. You are your own twin flame.