HU…
[No. 91]
WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON PROCESSING BETRAYAL AND THE ROLE OF SELF-ACCOUNTABILITY? IS THERE SPACE FOR BOTH OR DOES ACCOUNTABILITY PROHIBIT THE COMPLETE RELEASE OF HARMFUL PEOPLE?
A guest piece by writer and editor Laurel Fishman
Thinking about the issue of betrayal by another and self-accountability around it, I’m reminded of how I’d recently shared intimate details of my personal life with someone I believed I could trust.
Then I found out she’d betrayed my confidence by telling my secrets not only to her boyfriend, but also to her sister! She doesn’t even know me, but had already been driving wedges between my friend and myself from afar.
The betrayal was a huge challenge for me. I’d valued this friend for several reasons, and had previously seen her as a person of honor and integrity. I was hurt, and it felt like a real dealbreaker. How was I going to live by my principles and still cope with the emotional impact?
Others I know sometimes talk to me about feeling that a friend’s behavior is making it impossible to sustain connection. If they want my input, I usually suggest they consider if the issue is worth the cost of losing the relationship.
Depending on their receptivity, I may paraphrase the wisdom of various teachers in my own life.
One of them advises that when we see a mistake in someone else, to look at where we ourselves may be making the same mistake. This, he says, is the way to turn judgment into growth.
Another mentor says that without exception, every single event, encounter, and circumstance are parts of a golden contract we make with life. This is to move us forward on our journey.
In the betrayal I experienced, I wondered how I might turn the ugliness into opportunity. But clinging to the hurt, I struggled to walk my talk.
How would I ever again trust this person? I tormented myself with these repetitive thoughts, and resentment was robbing me of my peace.
The friend stood her ground, claiming it’s her right to say whatever she wants to anyone she wants. “No one can tell me what to do,” she insisted. Hearing this, I struggled with the desire to forgive amid the anguish of betrayal.
My commitment to coming from a higher perspective was really getting put to the test. So I did my best to put on a cloak of neutrality by turning to a practice of attunement.
In my lifetime, I’ve sung and chanted mantras from many paths. The one I settled into as the most empowering companion is HU, a timeless, sacred word that’s both a name for and sound of divine source. HU is found in Native American and ancient Egyptian teachings as well as in Sufism, Gregorian chants, and a great number of other traditions. Singing HU as a single drawn-out note or as an improvised melody is soothing, uplifting, and heart-opening.
When I found my mind replaying the details of my friend’s betrayal, I turned to this one-word mantra. Whether for a few moments or several minutes, I sang it until my state was transformed into a more peaceful, accepting one. I admit it took some significant repetition! At the same time, it ingrained the practice as a more consistent habit, a true silver lining of what had been a torment.
So did I keep the friendship? Yes, I did. With my heart reopened, it became clear that the benefits outweighed the costs. Though I’ll never confide in her as I once did, I chose to limit, not eliminate, the friendship.
The decision to release someone is a personal one, of course. Each of us will find different elements to assess, and a tough choice like this is best made from a place of clarity. Ideally, it also comes from neutrality and the willingness to take responsibility.
I’m sure this isn’t the last such test that life will bring me. I’ll keep working on it!
HU
HUU
HUUU…
Samantha, I give you credit for keeping the relationship. I don’t think I ever would do that given the circumstances and response. I am actually dealing with a longtime friendship now that I probably need to drop. It’s very difficult. Sending hugs.
This piece was actually by Laurel Fishman. I concur that credit is due to her for the willingness to ride the waves to a place of clarity and openness in this relationship. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it does make sense to let go. Sending you much love as you face your next moves with the longtime friendship that you are contemplating. x
Thank you for such a beautiful article about true forgiveness!
I think it’s so important for us to be able to truly forgive and see the person we are dealing with in a realistic light.
And weighing the positive and negative aspects of the relationship in a neutral state of mind, that singing HU puts us in, will show us the next step we have on our journey.
I agree that Laurel wrote a beautiful, thoughtful piece on forgiveness and openness to growth. Thank you for your point reiterating Laurel’s statement about weighing all aspects of a relationship from a grounded, neutral state of mind. It takes practice and patience!
It’s hard to be vulnerable and honest. It’s even harder to put it in writing. Well done, Laurel.
Hi Laurel. I think I told you that was a member of Eckankar for about 5 years. My best friends have been members for going on 50 years. I could see that Eckankar did a lot for them . I was looking for Buddhist teachings but there was nothing available in my small town at the time. Eckankar wasn’t a good fit for me but it “got me through” a very difficult time in my life. The dream journals were great and I still have them and remember some of my dreams from back then, especially a golden city that I visited. When a Buddhist teacher came to our small town and offered classes, I jumped in with 2 feet and never looked back.