No. 16

You are a tiny piece of thread connected to everything. 

[No. 16] 

HOW DO YOU EMBRACE YOUR PAST TO EXPLAIN YOUR PRESENT AND PLAN YOUR FUTURE? FURTHERMORE, HOW DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS FROM THE PAST, IN THE PRESENT, AND IN THE FUTURE?

“Today you are You, 
that is truer than true. 
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.”
Dr. Seuss

I think there is a part of us that shies away from looking back or forward, for fear it might be dirty or unkempt. My mother is fond of saying, “We make the wisest decisions we can with the consciousness we have at any given moment.” Her words come to mind here. They feel more compassionate than I remember.

[WE MAKE THE WISEST DECISIONS]

In my twenties, I was free until I wasn’t. Cancer [temporarily] clipped my wings at 21. Frozen and disoriented, I staggered farther and farther from home. Fear laced itself through my decision-making, and I lost the thread. Today, I know more of myself than I did then. I know, for example, that I openly see the best in people, and I don’t want to change that even if it leads me down the long path; I know that I love utilitarian clothing by Rick Owens not only because he’s iconic, but because it serenades my androgyny. I know that I would rather say the uncomfortable thing than let it eat away at my insides. I make the attempt each day to walk in step with my destiny, knowing that it is not really a destination so much as a companion, a metaphysical friend. I have made mistakes, yes, and I will make them again. 

The secret ingredient is compassion.

[WITH THE CONSCIOUSNESS WE HAVE]

In other words, I hold that frightened twenty year-old with tenderness. I make her fresh mint tea. I read her bedtime stories. I do the same for the thirty-something inside me who was betrayed by a fiancé and the forty-something me who thought I could be friends with an ex directly after a break-up.

Compassion is sexy. 
It allows us to see messiness and get closer. 
We keep moving; we grow. 

[AT THE TIME]

I have a crush on the wobbly me who is meeting the enigma of tomorrow, so unknowing yet showing up. I smile at the scent of my particular fears and know that these dreams and nightmares are what make up my very individuality. I do not want to kill them; I want to fulfill them. The naked terror of an experience is what makes us alive, what quite literally makes our heart beat. So we hold naivete, wrongness, sacrifice, along with our boldness, our brightness, our ever-rightness. If we are sober to the task at hand, whatever it may be, then we have nothing and nowhere to hide. 

Every second impacts the next, which gives this [NOW] a blessed fertility. We have a rich library of experiences to comb through as we map or imagine the road ahead. In sum, if we look at the past nostalgically and stay open to the future with a curious and surrendered heart, we make room for mystery. It is not possible to put a word to the feeling of [BEING IN THE MOMENT], but I promise you it is something like ecstasy.

Yesterday, you were very much you.
And now you are you-er. 
And tomorrow you will be you-er still. 

“Do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure
that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you
as you stand there,
empty-handed–
or have you too
turned from this world–
or have you too
gone crazy
for power,
for things?”
Mary Oliver

If we believe in this, we can wander into the future placing things from our baskets on the ground as they get heavy, only to find they are seeds. We pick new flowers and people along the way. Some hands we hold for many years as we look beyond, and some float away and become a part of the great meadow. 

In other words, we grow and we grow things.
Individually.
And together. 
Things that sparkle.
And things that last.

What could possibly be holier, more pious than that?

WHAT ARE THE WAYS YOU ARE LOVING YOURSELF AND OTHERS FROM THE PAST, IN THE PRESENT, AND IN THE FUTURE?