Shame is a sneaky beast.
[No. 18]
IS THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU’RE STILL TRYING TO PROVE TO YOURSELF?
“We are stardust
We are golden
And we’ve got to get ourselves
Back to the garden”
Joni Mitchell
We work so hard to be the thing we already were in the first place. At the start, this question made me feel as if I were naked on stage in a crowd filled with strangers. [Honestly though, I would feel okay with that.] This question makes me antsy. I wish my response were a simple [NO] so thank you, asker. The questions that take us to the edge are the good ones. It is here we learn our wingspan.
I have spent years peeling back the temptation to prove myself to absolutely everyone. We are multi-faceted, learning things in each human interaction, re-programming ourselves over time, miraculously equal parts stubborn and elastic. It is safe to be the person others want you to be; I get green lights for this kind of behavior. Meanwhile, my belly is in knots. I am dying to make others feel alive. That can’t be right.
It is natural to crave connection. A response to a text; an “I love you” from the one you dream about. But why do we feel at times so centered and made of gold, and other times prickly and straw-like? When I feel uncentered or unhinged, my knee-jerk reaction is to scan the room and check if everyone likes me. The truth is that they might not, and that I am still okay.
Image by Hailley Howard
Upon contemplating, I find the root of the inflection point here is [SHAME].
Shame makes everything about me, rather than what is actually happening. On the ocean floor of my shame, I wonder two things:
Am I too much?
Am I enough?
My therapist is fond of saying, “Trauma is internalizing the failures of your environment.” Likewise, I read something recently that said, “It is easier for kids to think they are bad kids with good grown-ups than to face the terrifying prospect that they might be good kids with bad grown-ups.” Shame is sneaky! However, some good news. The place that is vulnerable is also the place that is holy and made of pearl. So perhaps these questions from my seven year-old self can only be answered by my seven year-old self, a child with scraped knees who laughs and whispers back, “You are perfect, whole, and complete,” like a wunderkind kundalini yoga teacher. This kid exists to leap, to jump, to fly, and not to sit, to brood, to prove. My work is in getting to know this golden ball of light inside of me very, very well. Poetically, I walk through the world as a mature, lovely adult when I am most in touch with my inner child. I cannot recommend this work enough.
The radicality of the kid, the fool, the innocent, is that they know they cannot really say or do the wrong thing, and even if they do, they are loved. The stakes are low. The tide is high. So, learn from my mistakes.
Speak up when you’re hungry.
Speak up when you’re angry.
Speak up when you’re afraid.
Walk with this tiny person inside your stomach who has nothing to hide.
[No. 19]
WHEN YOUR DEEPEST SHAME IS OR HAS BEEN ACTIVATED, WHAT DO YOU DO OR HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP YOURSELF THROUGH WHAT SO MANY OTHERS DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
When something feels really tender, here is what I do to get through the stickiness in real time, and get to the quiet treehouse in my mind. Some tips & tricks for unlocking the child inside [SEVEN STEPS FOR YOUR SEVEN YEAR-OLD SELF].
[Pause whatever I am doing & step outside with a blank piece of paper and a Sharpie.]
[Take 7 deep, slowwww breaths.]
[Name the messiness rather than pretending everything is peachy.]
[Nickname my inner child & welcome them into the space.]
[Scream! Maybe a little yoga or stretching as well.]
[Repeat “I love you” to myself, until I feel it.]
[Then, I go back to my desk and write a one-sentence vision of what I dream, desire, long for in the coming day or week.]
So much is uncertain, yet the fool knows somehow it will all be okay. You are brave. You are free. You are nothing except a piece of cake that has fallen from the sky.
Now, fly.