I see you.
You are made of magic.
[No. 12]
AM I GOING TO BE OKAY?
“I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone.”
Rainer Maria Rilke
You, my darling, are already more than okay. You are a golden fairy on this Earth.
“Sometimes I think you believe in me more than I do,” said the boy.
“You’ll catch up,” said the horse.
Charlie Mackesy, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox & the Horse
What is the key to seeing the strength and promise that others see in us with so little trying? Ongoing access to this treasure trove takes practice. We bolster the self-love muscle like any other. Each second, we might feel a sliding door away from both confidence and crumble. In life, we draw maps. With simple etchings, we leave ourselves breadcrumbs when the forest is black as night.
Image by Miracle Killy
A few years ago, I taught a writing workshop at a sleepaway camp in Ojai. I invited brilliant teenagers to write affirmations for themselves on Post-it notes. “I am strong.” “I rock.” I asked them to place each nudge where they most likely would need one, in a tender feeling of self-doubt, e.g. a bathroom mirror, a bureau, a school book. I place mine on the fridge, and I must admit there are times my heart skips a beat when I see, “I love you to the moon and back,” in my own handwriting. Love for self is not the only game in town, but it is a simple, elegant one. It is Gin Rummy, or Uno. We have the wisdom to steer our minds from chaos back to the simple inner child of trust and naivete and love, away from the brink of self-judgment and destruction towards self-appreciation, trust, care at every turn. Pele was right, “Everything is practice.”
Elly Molina, a marvelously intuitive teacher and friend, speaks of the hidden talents of our language. She welcomed me into this practice of offering myself the words I wished to hear from others, and how in this way we hold the paintbrush to create our own worlds. “What will happen when you start to tell yourself the things you’ve waited to hear from a parent, a lover, a friend?” She encouraged me to recite these words in front of the mirror [following in the style of Louise Hays’ mirror work] and while performing everyday tasks [dishes, laundry]. Ever desiring to be the straight A student, I got to chanting.
[I see myself.]
[I honor myself.]
[I forgive myself.]
[I am myself.]
[I love myself.]
There is something about the simplicity of it. I am a bit shy to tell you that at first, I felt like I was grasping for air. And then, one day, the water melted. The prickliness turned into something warm, and it held me.
Elly’s class began a week before my ex and I took a sudden break last fall. Rattled, I asked myself, [AM I GOING TO BE OKAY]? Yet, deeper and deeper into this call and response, I surprised myself. When I asked these questions, the answers came to me in the form of, I see myself, I honor myself, I love myself. So, in other words, yes. I found I could stay grounded even in wobbly conversations with my partner. I also noticed myself opening doors with everyone from new friends to my own dad and finding when I entered that I knew where to sit and what to say.
It stemmed from a somewhat subconscious embodied epiphany that I can desire things from people, but that things I really, really desire most, I already contain with myself. I am a parent, a lover, a friend.
So, as for you, grasshopper, I ask that you tell yourself,
[I am _______________.]
[I am _______________.]
[I am going to be okay.]
[I am okay.]
Please know this, and listen to my voice if you like, in the times that you ask this question. I will hold your hand until you see that you are held by a force that is never-ending and glittering around us, like the sun. When the training wheels fly organically from your ribbon-dressed bicycle, I will scream with sheer joy and clap as you glide down the hill into the dusk on your own, knowing that without anything in hand, [YOU] are the treasure.
Ram Dass once wrote, “We’re all just walking each other home.”
Old.
Young.
Here.
Home.
Hands and hearts hold you, me, us.
more than ok. love you.
More and more than ok when we see each other. Love you. x