What we really, really want.
[No. 20]
“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want”
The Spice Girls
HOW DID YOU FIND THE CONFIDENCE/COURAGE TO TELL A PARTNER WHAT YOU NEED TO BE PHYSICALLY/EMOTIONALLY SATISFIED?
When we are little, we say what we want.
What we really, really want.
In fact, we scream it out for all to hear. There is no filter for our desires. [I WANT ICE CREAM!] Our dreams are needs; they burn. At what point do we lose that confidence and ownership?
Everyone’s well-being benefits from open communication; self-expression in partnership is especially important. Plus, we are able to feel close to others when we feel safe.
[MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT MIND READERS.] It’s sad, but true.
Once, I had a young lover who made their needs so clear, so vivid. They had timings, desires, spaces, and other kinds of specificities. “I would like some alone time today, Sam.” I felt it was selfish at the beginning, and then it grew on me. Eventually, I became enamored with it. There was something about their frankness that was grounding and alluring. Let’s call them Frankie.
Image by Dylann Hendricks
Then, I found myself in the midst of a situation with a person in which I was often squirmy. Let’s call him Liam. Liam would switch from one sexual act to quite another (abruptly without warning me). I expressed I was in pain, physically and metaphysically, but my words fell on deaf ears; the moment when this transgression would occur seemed like a blur to him, so for a long time it seemed that way to me as well. Then, before I blinked, the same thing would happen again and again. The relationship dissolved over time; our failure to communicate about this one pressure point was a piece of a greater faultline across our entire landscape. When I broke up with him, my voice trembled. But it was my truth. Looking back, I can’t believe I waited so long to draw a line in the sand.
“Reminder: you can love people and simultaneously not allow them to harm you.”
Yung Pueblo
I told a very recent love, let’s call them Nico, about Liam as we were on our way home from a Bon Iver show. While I have no recollection how or why I brought him up between grooving and reminiscing about the concert, it happened, and Nico’s reaction has stayed with me. Their hand found mine and our fingers intertwined, as if palm lines were saying to palm lines, “It’s okay.” Lion cubs in a cave. I pledged allegiance to myself that day, and I was met with primordial devotion. My body miraculously swallowed the feeling, and it tasted like confidence. [THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE.] I see.
So, asker, I understand the truth is scary sometimes. We easily say what we need at restaurants [I AM ALLERGIC TO EGGS], and yet saying what we need in bed is harder [TOUCH ME HERE PLEASE]. However, both are urgent and elegant in their simplicity. Bow to candor, almighty as she is. 
When in doubt………….here’s how.
PRACTICE [Whisper the words you would like to say to your lover, out loud to a friend over coffee or tea].
WRITE THEM DOWN [Then, you can read the note as a letter to your love; this works wonders].
PICK A GOOD TIME [Make their morning drink as they like it; do it when you’re both feeling expansive & not exhausted].
OPEN THE DOOR [Tell them what you need & also ask what they need, e.g. “Hey, can we talk about some things that turn us on?”]
LISTEN when they answer; lie in the bedroom of their truth.
There is no doubt in my mind that each person’s bravery is connected to her sense of self. Being with another person becomes holier and more reciprocal if and when we are honest; otherwise it is just transactional [you are a caretaker]. And you are more than that. Do not fear being serious; you are serious. And, you are light.
In the words of Rumi, “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the ocean in a drop.”
You are everything.
You deserve to feel everything.
To be desired, spanked, kissed on the forehead, or told you can sleep in until noon on Saturdays.
It.
Whatever it is, that you want.
That you really, really want.
All I know is I would want to give someone what they really want.
So, if you wanna be my lover…