Cute boys.
[No. 44]
HAVE YOU EXPLORED YOUR QUEERNESS PHYSICALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY, AND IF YES, WHAT EFFECT HAS IT HAD ON YOUR FEELING OF SELF?
I grew up crushing on 90’s skater boys, boys I wanted to be.
They were in a crew called CBS [CAN’T BE STOPPED]. I’d snuggle on my parents’ couch with these quiet, handsome artists. Their worn-in trousers and white t-shirts drove me wild. The one I liked most had a sandy blonde ponytail; he smelled wholesome and free.
My prom date was cute, too. I can’t remember the exact day but I started to dress more like them, and more like my brother. There was a switch, and it might have had to do with getting to high school and feeling like the world was wide. I bought a Ben Davis work shirt and zipped it halfway down. Then, I cut my hair. I thought it was just about fashion. Now, I know better.
The other day, Verônika and I got tattooed by my friend Ruby. While she sketched our designs, we sat in the waiting area of High Horse and talked about life. “I have never felt more alive,” I shared, in strange contrast to the devastation ravaging our globe. As I told Verônika about the girl I was dating at the time, I felt embodied. The more I own myself, the lighter I feel.
For the birds who own nothing – the reason they can fly.
Mary Oliver
Afterward, Verônika and I met friends across town for ANSELM, Wim Wenders’ film about the great German artist Anselm Kiefer. A child plays young Anselm, and I was enamored of him. I felt a longing for a self like that and in the days since, I have done my best to copy his exact costume, exploring a boyhood that never was.
I came out to my family the week of my 45th birthday. “I am queer and non-binary, and trust me, it is not a phase.” I had crushes on girls throughout elementary school. I fell in love with a woman in my twenties, a woman who I will never forget. In those days, the encyclopedia of sexuality and identity felt underdeveloped [or I did]. I have expanded along with contemporary language and landscapes. The more I explore this wingspan, the more I feel like myself. It is not about who I’ve slept with, it’s about how I sleep at night. I am almost fifty, and I am my greatest gift.
Another artist friend, Stevie, recently shared that she feels her queerness is ever-blossoming. I agree wholeheartedly. The more we open, the more we shine.
[No. 45]
AREN’T WE ALL SEXUALLY FLUID OR IS IT JUST MY UNDERSTANDING BECAUSE I AM?
I love this. I am in your camp, Alien. I imagine there is a more scientific, clinical answer to your question and then also an answer that reflects how people would self-identify. To me, openness is openness. The point I want to make is that the more open our minds are, the more open our lives are.
However, as I began to ponder your question, I actually googled it.
[No. 46]
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOURSELF? HOW DOES MY LACK OF GENDER IDENTITY IMPACT MY SENSE OF SELF?
Ease.
A pair of Dickies with a worn-in white t-shirt.
Harmony.
Home.
I guess in the case of my gender, less is more.
When I am breathing deeply and sleeping deeply, I know I am my biggest, highest self.
Or, simply be the cute boy you want to see in the world. 😉
i experience my gender expression, aesthetically speaking, as a 1980s viewmaster. a toy for my inner child. i put my eyes against it and torque the instrument(s) to project what i want to see in front of my eyes and in the world. when it’s delightful i smile. if it’s not aligned i just click my gender controller a few times over until i like what im looking at and my child is happy.
sometimes in sex i experience gender as a fluttering— gender(s) in it’s most unbound state and status.
it’s pretty neat & rad.
You are pretty neat & rad. I am buying my inner child a 1980’s Viewmaster (of which I had one or two back in the era :)) to play with and explore. The idea that we are forever “a click away” from alignment in any given moment is liberating.
And I so relate to the “gender as a fluttering” experience, especially during sex, when the veil is thinner and words irrelevant. Euphoric. xx