No. 98 & No. 99

Be unafraid of the dark.

[No. 98]

DO YOU EVER FEEL THAT YOUR SHADOW SELF IS MORE TRULY ‘YOU’ THAN THE PARTS WE SHARE WITH OTHERS MOST OF THE TIME?

[No. 99]

I ASKED THE DALI LAMA THIS QUESTION BUT HIS ANSWER WAS LOST IN TRANSLATION, SO I FEEL IT QUALIFIES AS HAVING NEVER BEEN ASKED BEFORE. 

IF WE ACCEPT THE CHINESE PHILOSOPHICAL CONCEPT OF YIN/YANG [OPPOSITE BUT INTERCONNECTED COSMIC FORCES THAT CAN BE OBSERVED IN NATURE] AS THE BASIC FABRIC OF EXISTENCE, WHAT CAN WE DO TO OVERCOME EVIL AND BRING NATURE [OURSELVES AND MOTHER EARTH] INTO A HIGHER STATE OF BEINGNESS?

Image of Kalachakra & Vishvamata in embrace from Jambay Lhakhang Temple in Bhutan

“My breath is your breath, your breath is mine.”
Robin Wall Kimmerer

I stopped taking Estrogen last October. 

My reproductive organs had already been gone since a hysterectomy over a decade ago, and now the hormone was history as well. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and after fielding countless conflicting opinions on the issue, I eventually just said [FUCK IT] and stopped taking the little white pill. In doing so, I hurled myself head first into menopause without much forethought. My moods swung impressively. It has been a humbling year.

I am not here to write yet another dissertation on my body. I want to talk about my heart. In embracing these changes, my internal filters have peeled away. I have never felt so raw. Being honest and vulnerable is no longer a choice. It is an absolute. Lately, there is no other way for me but to feel. [Ask my editor, ask my partner, ask my kid.] Parts of myself that were tucked away or managed by a more polished, conscious self have nudged their way to the front and in teary, intense proclamations, shouted hey, look at me!!!

As I navigate these waves, I sit and read. Last winter, while wading in a hot spring somewhere in the desert, I picked up Robert A. Johnson’s Owning Your Own Shadow. [I heeded my therapist’s warning to ignore his traditional language toward religion and gender, and then I stepped in.] Alien, I was so moved by his thesis that an untended shadow will make itself known. 

We thereby have the choice to do our shadow work proactively, or face the cleanup when we scream, lie, cheat, obsess, or project. We are beings of multitudes, and when we swing too far in one direction without awareness, more often than not something [or someone] comes crashing down in the mess of the neglected. For years I focused on people-pleasing and productivity. Looking back, I pushed the shadow into the closet, and so the shadow got rowdier and hungrier. I made myself small to trick myself into feeling safe. It didn’t work! Life without radical inner reflection can be so messy.

This makes me think of our world. Today, we witness layer upon layer of adversity and affliction. Our universe is going through tectonic shifts. Johnson wrote, “We are presently dealing with the accumulation of a whole society that has worshiped its light side and refused the dark, and this residue appears as war, economic chaos, strikes, racial intolerance. The front page of any newspaper hurls the collective shadow at us.” 

Ancient cultures and civilizations created rituals to work with their individual and communal dark sides. Contemporary Indigenous communities make such ceremonies a natural part of daily life. Yet our Western world has dropped these traditions in favor of speed and screen time. 

It seems we are discouraged to reflect, lest we crumble systems that would not hold up to honest scrutiny. However, we play out our shadows in unpredictable, often unhealthy, acts when bypassing this fundamental step in our humanity—acknowledging we are all made of both stars and soil. 

When I contemplate what will bring Nature [ourselves and Mother Earth] into a higher state of beingness, I am reminded of Bhutan. When I was there last April, our group visited the 7th century Jambay Lhakhang Temple. After precious time with the temple’s holy lama, Jigme [our guide] led us to a tiny chapel that is usually off limits to visitors. He wanted to share a sculpture of Kalachakra and Vishvamata. Similar to the Chinese concept of Yin Yang, the union of Kalachakra [the male energy representing Compassion] with Vishvamata [the female energy embodying Wisdom] instructs us on how to meet the polarity within ourselves. There was something so peaceful about this holy work of art. 

These two deities are depicted melting into an embrace: a folding of duality into one gorgeous creature. 

In order to create harmony, we must acknowledge all sides of ourselves with compassion and wisdom. We must be willing to lovingly and frankly be present with the light and dark within ourselves and our systems. It is in the dark that we find the light. They share the same great sky. They are intertwined, like humans and earth, like you and me. Be unafraid of the dark.

As I prepared to answer our last two questions, Aliens, I studied Carl Jung, Anselm Kiefer, and Seneca the Younger. However, the thing that brought me home was an essay by my daughter, who wrote about the mysteries of the universe as portrayed in The Alchemist. Reading her work affirmed my belief that we will find our way through these times by being ourselves and honoring that authenticity in each other. We will dream brighter futures with language we create that is in its very core multi-faceted, that prisms and evolves, that holds contradiction well and with a bit of poetry. Insects are in danger, yes, and yet there are dragonflies everywhere. 

“What can humans do? We may not have wings or leaves, but we humans do have words. Language is our gift and our responsibility. I’ve come to think of writing as an act of reciprocity with the living land. Words to remember old stories, words to tell new ones, stories that bring science and spirit back together…”
Robin Wall Kimmerer, The Democracy of Species

A month ago I began a kundalini teacher training in Spain. Though I felt jet-lagged and hardly slept the first few nights, I could not wait to get to the mat every morning. It felt like a homecoming, a starship. A call to nourish all parts of self [the formed and forming]. A place to begin. 

So, as we tie up this era of My Beautiful Alien with a big black ribbon, I trust that our future lies in the invitation from the start: where can you be more honest with yourself, and how will it echo in your house, in your town, in our great aching universe? 

“I will be human again.”
Arne Quinze 

Compassion. [Feel.]
Wisdom. [Act.]
Breathe.

There is a space between the past and what’s to come. Alien, I love you. What’s done is done. What’s next is up to us. I’ll see you around. And when I do, it will be so beautiful.

[FIN]

WE HAVE LANDED. 99. HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED, BEAUTIFUL ALIEN?